Max is so cute. He's so happy that I'm home today, he was like mummy this mummy that since he wake up. He also has been following me around the house wherever I go. And he makes me watch playhouse Disney with him.


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oh no, i have the sore throat today. think i caught the virus from max. am drinking lots of water, hope there is no fever, sure kena cough later. sigh.

max still has the running nose and cough today.

so bored, waiting is a boring game. waiting can kill.

what the ..., just say, no need to be shy. after so many years of my life, i only started to use tampon for the first time. after reading instructions, so followed instructions carefully. mmm, i shall not describe in detail the procedure.

it was weird at first, but subsequently you should not feel anything. if u feel something after some time, it means that it's time to change. and it's funny, it kind of like expanded, that's why the uncomfy.

but it was certainly much more comfy than putting a pad. would i continue using tampon? maybe.

Now Max got the germs from Marcus. brought him to see a doc last nite. got medicine for his cough and blocked nose.

got to be super efficient these few days. many things to do and actually i got 2 days child care leave, but still come to work today, too many things to complete. maybe i'll take tomorrow. i dunno.

been quite tired lately, must be the hectic work that is draining my energy. so sleepy when it comes to 8 plus. last nite, force myself to go to sleep at 9 plus. good sleep, feel refreshed.

Argh, having a horrible headache. Juz take a needle to prick the temple. Think I need a good head and shoulder massage.


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Ever wonder if u have made another choice back then, how would life be? I guess humans are like that, always thinking about if they have made another choice, if I had chosen another man, if I had chosen to remain single, if this if that. humans are never satisfied.

But I guess thinking is thinking, we have to come back to reality to deal with real issues. also doesn't mean that choosing another may be better. Becos ultimately, the thing that requires change is you, your personality, if not u find that u come back to square one no matter wat u choose.

So in the mean time, allow me a little time to think of my what if.

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Wah super tired today. maybe I didn't have enough sleep last nite. Marcus didn't go to school today as his cough is still bad. I'll try to sleep early tonight.

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Today has been a tiring day. Marcus is having a bad cough. juz want to prop my feet up to rest


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I seldom watch 当我们同在一起. but I juz watch it juz now, I was like trying to control my tears.

It must painful for jianhong to tell xiaobei not to acknowledge his own flesh and blood. This is becos the son is used to calling another man papa. it must be painful for her to say this.

Similarly, it will be painful for xiaobei not to acknowledge his own son. Similarly, it would be painful for tarzan to raise another person's son.


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Finally, after meddling with iTunes for about 3 hours, finally leant how to use it. So when I confront my fear, u slowly overcome it. The beginning was frustrated, with obstacles to overcome. But once tell myself to cross that hurdle, the achievement is satisfying.

After 2 days of meddling with real player downloader and converting files, finally realize what students had been trying to teach me about downloading videos! Haha, how stupid their teacher can be? well, it's never too late to reliase and learn. Of course, need help from IT expert to enlighten. now i'm enlightened. Feels like doing a few more videos, but think I better go to sleep. Long day ahead tmr.

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Today went to gym, only day this week to go. Then I did something very stupid, I opened my car boot, put things down, then after I got what I want, I close the boot, then shit, I left the key inside.

Wat a stupid mistake I made! And I juz reminded myself to rem to take the key. So no choice, for to call Hubby to take spare key and taxi down. Stupid me.

After that, went waruku for dinner. mmm the hot sake is really nice. Dear ordered curry noodle, regular. When the food came, his bowl was so huge, really 夸张.


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today is pay day, went for a sumptous dinner to treat ourselves, shiok. we ordered crab and prawn. shiok. after dinner, i felt much better.

hmmm, i felt stupid, have been meddling with real player but to no avail.

feel so stress today. mum and sis seems to be having a cold war, mum asked me to find out from sis. sis and i also have not discussed about getting as new maid. Actually i'm procrastinating this becos deep down, really, i dun feel like hiring one as there will definitely be more problems.

back to thoughts, i really envy those who can put down everything and leave. carefree, nothing to worry about. why do humans have to solve so many problems? work also got problems to solve. i'm not complaining about my family or my work, i'm just tired and wonder why.

this morning, in that 20 mins that i was sitting at the dining table to drink my cup of coffee, father came out of the bedroom 2 times to pour water and made glucose water for mum. think mum is coughing, and when he entered the room, as usual, his nagging followed. well, i dun exactly know what happened. sympathise with father, he came back at 2plus last night after work, and with so little sleep, how is he going to concentrate on his work today? well, ok, i understand that mum is not able to do many things herself, so she needed help, of course, that i understand. but some things started many years ago.

anyway, on reflection on my own, they said that daughters take after their mum. i wonder if i will turn out to be grouchy and bad tempered like my mum. already the chng's family bad temperedness is already running in my blood. anyway, hubby has already warned me not to be like my mum when i turned older. i told him to give me warning when i'm like that.

also, maybe due to the fact that i didn't grow up in a complete family, many things i learnt to do myself. i do not like to trouble people. so when i fall sick, i either take medicine, go and sleep, or go see doc myself since young. father figure absent, so many things learnt to handle it myself. during my teenager years, when i'm feeling down, i also locked myself up in the room and cried.

anyway, for so many years, i've learnt to do everything myself. or maybe hubby has trained my well too. i dunno which is which. anyway, thoughts are extremely random as i'm running late.

Doubt I have the time tmr to blog. Tired today, slept early. Will continue to sleep after this.

Sigh, cny is juz round the corner. Why do I feel depressed? juz felt like going away for the festive season. But decided not to, seems like running away from the problem again.

Anyway, some problems are juz so difficult to solve.


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another start to a new week. hmmmm, feels like sleeping, not enough sleep. ok, i admit, i slept late last night. was meddling with the new phone.

mabel couldn't sleep last night again and requested to sleep in my room. max slept like a little pig, snoring! marcus was easy to go to sleep.

today o level results release, ok, i believe all will be nervous. for me, of course, i feel nervous for my 'babies' as well, but somehow, the results are there, cannot be changed. but as i always believe, if you put in effort to study, you will reap your fruits of labour. miracles do not happen.

sigh, so many things to do.

I have a fetish for sleeping gowns. decided to put into store those auntie cotton ones. Bought 2 recently, one cotton gown, one silky one, dark maroon. actually saw one at tm today but 39.90, didn't buy, too ex. yah, while waiting for queue number to be called today, shop and bought jeans, pants and top. Hubby also bought jeans and top. bought a new swim wear for Marcus, new googles for max.
Bought 2 pants for exercise too. Hmmm

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Yeah, officially blogging from my iPhone, finally went to buy one today, after months and months of thinking. now busy putting apps in iPhone and so used to iPod touch. Need to transfer some things here.

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Finish dinner. So sleepy. Swimming is tiring. Tomorrow is the start of a busy week, all the way to sat. jia you.



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Arghhh, intestines feel jammed up. Pain.


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just a quick one before i start the day.... hmmm sounds like a quickie.

1) u know that kind of feeling u get when u wake up and then u know that today's not a good day??? it's like u got up from the wrong side of the bed like that.

2) starting to question my womanhood now... hmmm, not that i want to change my sex... but then just that, i've tried, tried to slow down, tried to be pampered. but somehow, it's a little more difficult than i thought. or maybe it's my personality or style of doing things, i like to do most of the things myself. i don't like to trouble people. ok, after some analysis, i understand now, it's my personality.

exercise makes u sleep well at night, it makes u perspire a lot. u know, I'm feeling sleepy already.

Would I be able to sustain? I hope so. Think of the money paid, maybe I can sustain.


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Watching king kong now. King kong is so cute. He fights and protects the gal he loves (which I think I said many times) je protects her from the dinosaurs, and when the people came to save her and took her away, he gave chase without any fear. Although he is aggressive but he's really just a gentle giant.

Later in the show, he escaped from broadway and caught up with the gal, they had some blissful moments ice skating at the pond until reality caught up with them. Then in the end, how he fight till his last breath.

I really see this as a love story. A forbidden love between two people. I really wonder if I have the courage as king kong to fight for the one I love.


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My worst fears came true today. Mabel told me that she don't like to fo to school, she wants to stay at home forever. I knew it, I knew where it is coming from, I knew why she said this. I probe her into saying the reason. I gave her four choices, 1, friends 2, teachers, 3, bil, 4, studies. She chose 3.

I was so broken hearted when I heard this. The things that I was afraid would come true has finally happened. I'm really very sad, on impulse, I want to bring my children to leave the house. It's very heart breaking to hear this from Mabel, ans I find it so hard to explain to her without putting bil in the bad light. When I wa 21, my dad made it clear to me that he would nor be supporting me financially, I also told mabel that i'd shebos ever unemployed, I'm not going to be like mil or fil, still giving allowance.

Feel so sad, it pays to be calculative. I'm so stupid, everytime anything anything, never so calculative, but it doesn't pay.

This is not an easy way to solve this thing, the easiest I could think of now, is to take my children and leave.

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My new playground, riverside point, Clarke quay, the central and merchant court.


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first day at work, so far so good. been busy, time passes fast when you are busy. realised that i'm into the naggy mode to my children, i'm into the super disciplined mode in trying to be efficient in work.

less tv, less play for me now.

kind of catch spider man 3 on and off on channel 5. then i remembered i cried while watching spiderman 2. tomorrow, they are going to show king kong, this is another movie which i cried when king kong died. how king kong fought to the last breath, probably for the woman he loves. how he spent happy times with the woman, but sometimes must go back to reality and the end is, he died. sad story.

Super 'song'. 1st 4d of 2010, ibet for 1at prize. Really dunno how to describe that 'song' feeling. It's like hmmm, with max waiting to use the iPod touch, it's difficult to think of a metaphor. anyway, last night shared the joy by buying dinner and drinks, except for mil's dinner, by the time is suppose to pay, I was at supermart buying things.

Anyway, it's a happy start to the new year.

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hmmm, it's the second day of 2010....

1) new year's eve was well spent with family over sumptous dinner. countdown at sis in law's home. stayed overnight at the house, safer that way, confirm no road block. haha

2) new year's day, hmm, nothing special, stayed at home. at night, watched 'love happens'

3) today is saturday, oh, one part of the house wall had a coat of paint. hmm, looks different, feels new. thanks to dear lao gong, the handy man, who painted the wall. all this time while he was painting, i ran out to shop. oh boy, i had a great time, first window shop and then slowly choose what i want. i was like a small bird being let out of the cage. i really really took my time to browse and tried every single thing i could. it was actually quite fun, no wonder gals like shopping. you kind of get the kick out from trying the clothes and shoes and bags. it helps that the children are not with you. it was fun to shop alone too, becos u dun have to worry about other people, as different people have different interests. the good thing about shopping alone is since you don't have a second opinion, you need not buy the clothes you tried. but i know that this is really a luxury for me, to go shopping alone. i doubt i will find the time to do that once sch re-opens.

Before I make my thanksgiving, let me just say, the song forever young in my blog.

Just thinking, I never want to live physically forever, that is too
tormenting. If anything were to happen to me, I will not hesitate to go.

What I mean by forever young, hey, I think I've said this before many years ago when I reached 30 yes old, we cannot stop our bodies from growing old, with age comes many illnesses. since we cannot stop nature, so why don't we embrace nature and grow old gracefully? that's why the song, forever young, to live forever young in my heart. with this choice, the attitude I adopt is to be optimistic, this is very important in this grey world.

when I was in 20s, this song meant differently to me, I wanted to live forever young at 20s. but as I reached 30s, it changed. Maybe when I reach 40 or 50, I may have another thinking about this song.

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Thanksgiving time: should I start from young? should I? that would be too long.

let's start from people:
1) Adrian dear: thank you for 12 years of marriage, 16 years of tolerating my nonsense. though I've thanked u in person last nite, I still want to thank you again. We've been through so much, will continue to go through together. as bounded by marriage vows, for better or for worse, through thick and thin. Thank you for making me comfortable when I'm with u, thank you for accepting me for the way i am. Thank you for being there for me when i was down and out. Thank you for being a wonderful father to the kids.

2) Marcus: u have a joy with your non singaporean English slang. U are imaginative, u are an innocent child. u prove to be independant if u want to. It's not that mummy is harsh with u, it's just that mummy believe that u have the potential and u are not realizing that potential in u. thank you for being a wonderful son.

3) Mabel: u are a very sensitive and sensible girl. U are very helpful also. Want to thank you for being such a great help to your brothers, to the family. Thank you for pursuing excellence in whatever u do, thank you for not letting mummy worry so much for u.

4) max: u are a funny boy which brings joy to the family. You are still young and your character is not set yet. But u are a smart boy who is sensitive to other people feelings. Thank you for being yourself, thank you for being a wonderful son.

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today is an absolutely horrible day with mums not co-operating. mil makes us worry when she doesn't like to go to the hospital. on one hand, i understand her fear, but being numb on one side is no really no joke. 病从浅中医。

my mum does things that perplexes me and makes me worried too. i really dun understand what she is thinking about.

realised that when u begin with a positive attitude, the day is good. next 2 days will be busy..... sianzzzzzz

Ok, last post before I should really be going.

Gor yee, in order to catch up with my blog, u got to read it every day. Every day, one dosage, until reading san's blog is addictive. Slowly slowly, I'll hook u to reading my blog.

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Forgot to add, bought Mabel a pair of boot yesterday, she looks cool in it. mmm, should I get myself one too? 20 mins, and I'm still here, best thing is I feel like going to the toilet.

Ha, gor yee, at this rate I'm blogging, think it will take an hour to catch up with my blog and to make comments.


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Random thoughts of the day.

1) new year blues. last week of 2009, the inevitable will happen, got to face a challenging 2010. super duper blues

2) blogging is an open diary, when u know your target audience, it changes the way u blog. it has definitely influence my style of writing. reading someone's blog, discretion is needed. Writing my own blog, more discretion is needed. anyway, I'm juz thinking, what prompted me to start my blog? I'm a gal with few words, ask my auntie that, they will tell u it's like I got gold in my mouth. Since teenager, I've always kept a diary. So blogging is naturally the next. But I've learnt to watch what I blog.

3) this week got to settle textbooks for m and m. Marcus lost his book list, great. Tmr, their sch has home coming at their new sch campus.

4) was looking at my tummy in the mirror this morning. Omg, it's rounded and drooping. Ha, I'm so glad humans can use clothes to hide all these. I'm a lazy person, can't commit to a strict exercise regime, sigh. Sounds like a new year resolution 2010?
forget it. How many resolutions I made was successful? Ha

5) I should be going to work now. Meeting starts in another 30 mins.

Have yourself a nice day and enjoy the last week of 2009! I really mean enjoy! And boy, how am I to do that with all the work? One life, live it. Live life to the fullest.

P/s: will do some thanksgiving on my blog this week.

Juz realize the Chinese character for xiao sa is wrong, the sa should be another word.

I'm still thinking after I blog. I guess deep down inside me, I will be a Chou ah Lian. leopard never changes its spots. el said this to me before, I guess u were right. I'm now sick and tired of being the good gal. I'm not.


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friend forwarded email, title " did u marry the right person?" how apt the email. but something i disagree with the email was that,

true, in a marriage, you learn to love the person you found, right, very true. but it forgot to mention that the person you found comes with his/her family.

even the strongest person will break down at a point of his/her life. i thought i was a strong person, i dun like to cry, it's a sign of weakness. when i was younger, when dad left, i cried so much. when i was a teenager, i cried so much, so i have told myself, be a strong girl.

did dad make the right decision at that time? i so strongly believe in giving my children a complete family because of this incident. i never want my children to feel the way i did. all this while, i asked God, if u want to punish me for wrong thing i did, punish me, dun punish my children.

a marriage does not only binds two persons, it binds two families. last night, i really broke down. i've heard so many stories about gal staying with in laws, i prepared myself, i did not know why i broke down last night. it was 2-3 years of frustrations, i guess. so dun envy me or wonder how i did it. i never do anything miraculous.

i come back, i hide in my bedroom. i want to scold my children, i scold them in the bedroom. i angry, i release my anger in the virtual world. i did nothing. so maybe all these years of doing nothing caused something last night.

i broke down. i was like, wtf, this is my house. i'm having so many restrictions in my own house. dun wear too short shorts, at home, i still have to be wearing my bra until the minute before i go to sleep, dun wear too short t-shirt that reveal the naval. impossible to wear nightie and walk around. cannot scold my children, cannot beat my children. i guess i was like enough is enough. i just so totally broke down.

i was never a calculative person, i hate to calculate to the last cent, last dollar. 做人一向很萧撒. it's like learning to love the person you found is already difficult, learning to love his family members proves more difficult and seriously there are lesser incentives to be accepted by his family members. so coupled with this, i juz broke down.

i feel like asking my dad, what factors caused him to make the decision back then? because now i'm like in my dad's position, maybe somewhat different. we talked about it last night, cried until my eyes feel so puffy now. (note: i was sober all these while) Adrian, i loved you and for the children and my promise to them, i will stay. as for outside factors that are causing the stress, we will deal with it together. i never blame you, it's not a blaming game. we chose each other for who we are, we will be, it's just that maybe i wasn't prepared to love your family members as you do.

so in conclusion, next time, i will shift my duty as a daughter from sunday to saturday. so i'll go back amk on saturday to visit my mum. This will lessen the tension.

Dear sis, u are a really wonderful cook. I enjoyed the food last nite. Thanks for the preparation and all the thoughts that went into planning for the food. thanks!


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I'm having super duper Monday blues for Jan 4.


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Feel so stupid today, waiting and waiting. Anyway, had weird dreams recently, I dreamt that I got drowned in a very deep ocean, the tall tower I was holding on to kept sinking, and I kept climbing up until when I reached the top, there was nothing more for me to climb. I juz drowned. It felt horrible to die like that.

Last night, I dreamt that I had a dog with 3 heads! It was very frightening. It was lying on the bed beside me, then it suddenly jerked itself up and snarled at me. It was frightening.


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The day I dread is here. Anyway merry Xmas to all.
Have yourself a merry little Xmas


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bored! suppose to be doing some work. anyway, went to read my Jan and feb 05 blog posts. omg, i was clubbing almost every weekend back then, NB, dbl o, mdm wong, music underground. hmmmm

yes, mabel, i remembered we still have not gone to pierce ears and buy the boots for you. please give me time to bring you to great world city. maybe this sunday. and as for pierce ears, i need to find a good one. if a lousy one, once pierce, you cannot re-do

hooray, i hit my target of 365 posts!!!!! and it's not xmas yet..... set target for 2010???? hmmmm, dun need. just maintain my one post per day. good enough for me.

random thoughts

1) sharks, my skin is sensitive to sanitary pad

2)piss. first of all, high tide, so tried to rush home after buying dinner. reached void deck, a man opened letter box, council gave 2010 calendar, he looked through the calendar. wtf, press the lift button! nvm, i pressed the button.

lift A: storey 6, lift B: storey 10. lift b came down. after waiting some time, i looked up again. lift b stopped at 2. lift a, by this time has desccended to storey 2. then lift a came down. i was like wtf. ok, maybe there was someone in the lift. lift reached 1sst floor, nobody!!!! piss.

what's wrong with the new and upgraded lift? they are very slow, reacts like a retard. then the programming of the lift was really stupid. lift b which responded, cannot come down to 1st storey in a single shot. it stopped at 2, then lift a came down to the 1st storery. what stupid programming is this? must be done by PSC scholars!!!!!!

then, the man went out of the lift first after we reached storey 10. he was still browsing at the calendar. then he stood in the middle, neither going left or right (i'm supposed to go right) blocking my way. he seemed like he was going right, so being a good (but dun forget, i'm rushing to reach home, my bladder is bursting!) neighbour, i let him first. He turned left while still browsing at the calendar.

va boom! i banged my feet loudly as i walked. stupid lift, stupid man, waste my time. i wonder if he knows how to pronounce i-d-i-o-t.

3) ah boy keeps tickling me now as i typed. had to ask him to stop. very cheeky boy.

4) i have not done any xmas shopping. haha. that's why i hate xmas.

you know when it comes to the end of the year, then either you get those emails forecasting the 2010 with your animal zodiac signs or there will be lots of fortune books on sale now....

so was reading one email that friend forwarded, something that caught my eye. for those born in the year of the pig, you will be in love....so the first person that comes to my mind.... SIS! love is in the air for you next year, hooray!

but then again, 'sui yuan'. all these forecast, read read, laugh laugh over the good things, dun worry over the bad things, fate is in your own hands, you rule your life, of course, for those with religion, you rule your life with the guidance of God.

so, sis, imagine what a good laugh i had last nite after reading the email. ok, i should be going for a meeting now.

Tonight is a rainy night. A rainy night makes u thinkbod the one u love. Dunno why.




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recently, the snow storm that is sweeping across europe and USA is causing chaos to many cities and upsetting people's lives.
even effiel tower was almost covered in snow and had to close for the day.

can you imagine yourself with your loved one, in paris, walking in the snow and under effiel tower? so romantic.

i am so silly, i went to read dec 05 and early jan 06 post. one observation: i dun write as freely as before. there are some things i dun say too openly now. and i'm not as quirky in my blog post as i used to be. one post, allow me to copy and paste,

Tuesday, December 20, 2005
it's true, i can never love again. this i will bear for the rest of my life and not forgetting ur sorrow, pain, hurt and sadness.

time can heal all pain? i think i've said this before in 2005, it seems impossible at that time, but i stand firmly in my point, time will heal all pain.

people come into your life at different points for a reason. in retrospect, i do not know why our paths crossed at that time. things happen for a reason.

asking myself this question now, can i love again?
with regards to hubby, is it love or was it out of my duty as a wife, or was it out of my appreciation to him?

what is love, anyway? is a simple love, love? does love need to go through trials and turbulation then it's love?

seriously, i thought i can never love again. but love is a powerful thing which i dun understand, i think now and future, i will never understand it. so for now i'm willing to learn to love again.

Vacation at Club Med Cherating

Photos time!!!! Overall, it was an enjoyable trip, the kids definitely enjoyed their time together. besides the free flow of drinks that the adults enjoyed, i guess we all appreciated the vacation where we take a break from Singapore.

The bird cage


The swimsuit boy and the swimsuit gals and playing table tennis



some pictures taken while the children are playing golf













i like these: heineken boys and heineken gals



the airplane and at the airport



swimming time!







marcus, mabel, joey and cheryl performed in the show. Marcus was a snake, mabel, a tiger and joey and cheryl, a bird.


exercise time





group photo at airport

Juz came back fm saloon. Went to perm hair plus color. A bit not used to my new hairdo. Looks more mature? Not sure, maybe after some time when the curls are not so pronounced, it may look more natural.

Well, with the new hairdo, hopefully, a new me.

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Went for French manicure and pedicure. French manicure can be addictive and the results are better than I expected.

The children are very excited abt going to club med. Their excitment is rubbing off me.


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today is Sunday, tomorrow is monday. So now packing clothes. Pack simple is the philosophy.

It's holiday, so fun think too much, dun worry too much, just have fun



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The children had a good time today ice skating. Thank you auntie gor yee.

I'm sure they will sleep well tonight. Well, if they don't, I will.

Then we meet aunt Sal at toys r us to buy their Xmas present. Thanks.

will post the photos soon. Not tonight, shag. night


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doing diy facial now at home. deep cleanse, facial mask. also do for dear dear. max doesn't like us to put the mask. he ran downstairs.

this is fun. guys, never take care of their face, even facial, must help them do. well, for most guys, they do not care. i do know that there is a small percentage of guys who take care of their skin. their skin care routine is more tedious than gals.

Darn, I was awaken by my own snoring, then I couldn't get to sleep. Had to listen to music. I was like listening to 56+17 songs x an average of 5 mins per song, that's how long I was awake.

When I finally sleep, it was 530am that I saw on my phone



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Next rime I lend u my iPod touch, pls dun do anything to it. U want chat, pls use your own iPod touch.

Wat is wrong with the whole damn world? Juz cool down, now I tu lan again


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I'll close down the blog if I get any kpo questions or silly comments.

I do not owe anyone any darn explanation. If I were to get tickets to somewhere remote and never come back to sg, I dun have to report to anyone!
Period!



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Please lah, when a woman wants to puke after she eats, doesn't mean she is notti and pregnant ! can the woman be aneroxic? ( sorry, lazy to check spelling)

*Eyes roll u know u like that say I'm notti, I got to explain one leh. F

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I cannot stand it when people do not smoke in the smoking corner that is designated to them. 1 cigarette nvm, cigarette after cigarette light up. Damn buay song. Can someone enlighten me the phone number to call?
Still f@ki du lan.
I'm going ro do some exercise to cool down

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Home is no longer where I feel happy.
Maybe it's the holiday time, end of 2009, so feeling blues. Pre new year blues. I remember last dec I also have the same feeling.
Or maybe becos of the stress of wanting to have a peaceful holiday, so maybe the pressure to settle a lot of things before going for holidays.
Anyway if god were to take my life away tomorrow, pls go ahead, I beg u. Sick and tired of life. as my blog says, like drifters drifting my life away.


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die die die, cannot book tickets, all fully booked. i'm getting worried.... nvm, things will work out well.
hmmm, macbook keyboard very nice to press leh

Wat is wrong with me? I feel like puking out every single food I eat. Been feeling like this for 2 days after breakfast. I hate this feeling. That feeling of the food being stuck in your throat

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Oh man, the poll results is very close. So wat should I choose? Cut short hair or perm like the jap or Korean?

I can feel myself moving on


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Lazy sat morning and afternoon. LG life's good



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Feel so full the whole day.

This morning, was in the neighbourhood, corridor was rather crowded. A lady squeezed herself past me, then her breast brushed my elbow leh. Dunno it's I molest her or she molest me.

Afternoon, went to buy another haversack for trip. Yup, all ready to go for holiday.


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yesterday read in DL, this writer talks about resuscitating her facebook account, the pros and cons of facebook.

i've deactivate my facebook account for more than a month now. how is life without facebook? so far on a rating of 1-10, with 10 being the greatest, i would rate a 7.5.

benefits: i dun have this compulsive behaviour to log in to facebook first thing in the morning. i spend less time on the laptop, more time interacting with real people like my family members. i managed to clear some old children's clothings out. i begin surfing other websites like wickedweasel, part time domestic helper, hotels.

downside: won't be able to be updated with friends' recent activity, can't connect with friends and not able to monitor children's account. this is the 2.5 that i lost.

will i resuscitate my facebook account? for the time being, i dun see the need to.

think the whole world must be twittering or facebooking or blogging about tiger woods now. well, for him who has always portray a clean image, it is of course detrimental.

you see, it's different if you are someone famous. how many percent of marriages do not have extramarital affairs? 20%? 30%?

then which side do you belong to?

Dunno why no time to update blog today.

Sopia finally went home today, wonder if she has reached home safely.

The rest I guess should be slowly falling into place. Had a good time dinner with Sally, steff and sis. Just 10 days more, hang in there.

As for mum, I hope she can hang in there too.


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Went out supper. Sometimes beer is good, it helps u to temporarily forget something.

Ok I should quit talking the problems, maybe tmr should being the kids to marina barrage


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Test.
Realize today is world aids day. feeling? pardon me for lack of sympathy. I still cannot forget how u 'dumped' us after a phone call and that was after we accompanied u and that is how u repaid us.

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I feel so suppressed staying at home. I hate dec.I hate 2010.
searching websites for domestic house cleaning service for mum. Confused, dunno whether to employ full time for her becos I seriously dun think she can change. With or without maid, it's equally stressful.
At home front, also I dunno how to describe.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm destined to be alone.
Hey suddenly I'm thinking my iPod touch no Chinese software.
not been able to sleep at night, thinking of tin's fate is looming, dunno how to express to her, thinking of 2 mums' problem, thinking of work, thinking of past.

brought the kids to the library to return and borrow books.

in the evening, went jogging with mabel and then went to the exercise corner to do some exercise.

the long weekend is a good one, with swimming, eating and catching up with relatives.

looking forward to bringing the kids to library tmr.

somtimes, the brain just do things without thinking. used my school's email account username and id to sign in blogger. omg! only managed to strike off one thing from work - to do list. How 'efficient' i am!

this year xmas falls on friday. i think i will go away for xmas this year. next year cny also falls on long weekend, i also feel like going away for cny next year.

sometimes i wonder why do we have family members? some things are just so difficult to solve, to settle especially when it comes to dealing with family members. at least, for friends, this is how i settle the issue, happy, we can still continue to be friends, not happy, no friends. u badmouth me in front of friends, i dun give a single damn.

but for family members, u have to think like if i do this, what will happen in the future? next time, still has to meet. it is just not so straight forward. dun ask me to pray to God, becos in the end, i still have to settle the problem. God can give me the wisdom to handle and settle the issue, but i dun see God giving the other party the wisdom to accept. well, if God gives the other party the wisdom to accept in the first place, there wouldn't be so many issues to settle.

if God wants this to be a trial for me, to make me stronger, yeah, the stress is making me stronger and more resilient.

yup, i'm starting to sense that i'm running away from it all. i'm starting to sense that i'm clamping up. i'm starting to sense that 'just leave me alone' feeling.

i'm also wondering if i would turn out to be so crappy when i become an old woman.

the problem with me is that i lack commitment.

for example:

1) only when i'm running 2.4km, i went jogging. then after 2.4, i stopped jogging even though i tell myself that i should jog at least thrice a week.

2) was uzapping away for the past 2 nites, then last nite, was lazy again, didn't go through the routine

3) u know some ladies have a regular routine of cleansing, washing, toner and then moisturize? then at times, there are the night cream, eye cream and then moisturize the body? well, i can try for a few days, then i'll become lazy to go through the process.

4) even with marcus, i think i lack the commitment to see through the revision. i'm not like some parents who can sit down every night with their children without fail to go through their work and then when they realise that their child is not clear about some things, they will a) sign up for enrichment classes and b) more assessment books for their children to do. yes, i know of parents who are like that.
then they can sit down there with their children, watching them do assessment. so no life for the kids and the parents.

so with marcus, it is a struggle for me every time. on one hand, i wants him to do well, but on the other, i want him to enjoy his childhood. it's a difficult balance.

Above was a video done by some students to showcase during their grad nite, thought of uploading here. This is a nice batch of students. was their form teacher for 3 years. i've seen them work hard, i've seen them grow up, they are now a great bunch of gentlemen and ladies. We had our fun and laughter, we had our serious moments, of course, there were times when there were conflicts and misunderstandings in class. well, i guess that is part and parcel of life.

now that all have graduated, there will be much more for you to learn out there, we will not be there to watch out for you, you will have to learn to be independent. just remember the things and values we teach u. i will miss all of u!!!!!! i love you all.

(proofreading my blog, in case i say anything wrong, then kena stomped or issued warning letter by my boss!)

today decided to stay at home. anyway, i've been pretty inefficient for the past 2 days. only attend meetings.

think i caught the flu. having stucky nose from last night.

this morning woke up with a splitting headache on the left side. max didn't want me to go to work.

during meeting, i was a bit dazed. but i marvel at how the human mind can prop a person. no wonder they say if you got the will, you can survive. so the part on will is really what and how your mind tells you to behave. so if you tell yourself that you can work, you will be able to work properly.

mon - back to school to do work and meeting. apart from having a fruitful meeting, other things that i planned to complete was not done. hence, feeling unproductive. and it doesn't help that the whole of my left side, starting from the neck to the shoulder is feeling muscle strain. part of the reason, didn't sleep well on ubin's pillow on friday night. another reason, too into ipod games, which i think adds on to the muscle strain.

feel like packing up to go home and come back to work tomorrow.

just reading the blog of the supermodel who committed suicide. just felt that it was a pity, so young.

http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/

went to pulau ubin. got bitten on the same arm again. same thing, red, red, itchy, swollen, spreading. applied zambuk.

holidays are here. should be feeling relax, but there are many things to settle before 2009 ends. i must be alert and on the toes. no room for relaxation.

when i say that as a person, we have many roles to play, i didn't mean 'people pleaser'. oh pleassssssssssse, we dun want to please people all the time, that is even more super tiring.

sometimes i just wonder how the human brain adapt so fast that we become unaware of it. as adults, we already know what mode to switch to when we interact with certain people. and with so many roles to play, there is really no time for 'me'. more and more often, i so wish to be left alone. yes, alone, so that i do not have to play the role of a parent, a child, a sibling, a colleague, a friend, a foe. certain roles are unavoidable, so if i can choose to avoid any role like the role of a niece, i would try to avoid it at all cost, becos i'm really tired. dun ask me to be that good niece to give in and apologise. sorry, this is a role that i dun play often, this is a role which is of last priority, this is the role that i will avoid.

sometimes i wonder, why on earth am i still alive? life is meaningless, going through the same motions day by day, having to solve other people's problems. also as you grow up, you learnt to say that some things are better left unsaid. the more you say, the more problems it create, so it's better not to say anything.

it is a tiring day to begin with. last nite was graduation nite, so reached home quite late. so the brain is crying out 'not enough sleep'

this week, no doubt, is a hectic week. i don't even want to think too much about it plus it doesn't help if people are not helpful. just feel shitty. it's like you feel like you are part of people's pawn to play their game.

there is really no alliance in this game. you just felt so being used.

just reading the news and penning down my thoughts:

1) lately, some hospitals have been getting some bad publicity.

2) depression is the solution to many problems. from death penalty, once diagnosed with depression, it can be reduced to jail term.

3) the donated sunflowers for Dover Hospice were stolen from Raffles MRT. those people/person who stole the flowers, how evil and what an idiot. you will get 'bao ying'

slowly, some problems are solved. there are some other problems to be solved. sigh... i'm now looking at a spider that climbed up the wall, wonder if a spider has that many problems to solve.

sometimes, just feel very tired. as an adult, we have many roles to play. we have to be a good worker. at home, we have to play the role of a spouse, parent, children, sibling, employer, even role as a niece!!!!! omg

weekend was good with times spent catching up on sleep and spending time with children. weekend brought an unexpected gifts from kelvin. He bought a swimming trunks and bikini for us.

on sunday, we brought mum for dim sum. after that, just shopped around, so jocelyn bought some clothes for mum and sopia bought herself some clothes too. even marcus had a new set of clothings. some of his clothes are really getting small.

then it was back to amk for dinner and finally able to solve some problem there. just continue to pray that the execution will be smooth as well.

World Kindness Day was on 13 Nov. It is a day for you to show that you appreciate people, like your love ones, family and friends.

So on saturday night, bil (sis in law's hubby) bought all of us that yellow flower and a card each to show his appreciation to each and every one of the family member.
so on behalf of tan family, want to say a big thank you to kelvin. Thank you for your kind gesture.

also want to thank you and jocelyn for the things that you have done for mum and dad. even though the trip wasn't materialise, at least we tried to plan for one. thanks for always initiating to bring mum out for dim sum, dinner. Thank you.

saturday - in the morning, brought max to see a doc after breakfast. then went to the library to borrow books.

after that, had to went to philips at toa payoh to buy the coffee pot because the maid broke the coffee pot. $22 lei

after we came home, had lunch, then played dance dance revolution with the children. i was perspiring. not rigorous exercise but it was enough.

been busy the whole of friday. after a full day retreat, had to attend a dinner at bukit batok. by the time i reached home, 10 plus. i actually didn't wait for the dinner to end.

so by the time i reached home, i was so tired. slept after a good shower.

sucks. pay day = pay bill day.... sigh, life just sucks

random thoughts:

1) in a short 4.5km or 5km drive, there were like 8 traffic lights.

2) 2012 seems like a good movie to catch. anyone interested?

3) long day ahead with meeting

nice weekend, rest well. oh yah, went to buy a dining table on sat. good buy, 499 without the chairs, and it's extendable.

yeah, without facebook, on friday night, manage to pack max's old clothes for steff. feels good. i also managed to download quite a few pictures that was in my hp to the computer. now it is to put them on.

think i did not switch on the computer on sat and sun, which is a good thing.

so on sunday, went to steff's house to pass her the clothes. ser met us at steff's house and we went to this ulu place in selatar airbase for dinner. the buffalo wings had various level of intensity. the children has this big area to play and all the children made friends with one another and played together while the adults talked over dinner. nice place, just that it's really ulu.

managed to do some clearing of unwanted stuff at my work place. this is only like one quarter. but it feels good. you get a less congested place, it's better asthetically too.

another place i want to bring my children to

pulau ubin and we are going to eat combat ration.

today i had a full day seminar to attend. this is a 2 day seminar, so i'm going again tomorrow. It's at nanyang poly. suppose to register at 8am and the programme starts at around 9am, i reached nanyang poly by 7.40am. i was actually trying to delay time by going to the coffeeshop for a plate of mee rebus after i dropped marcus and mabel off for their school bus. i left tampines at around 7.15am, no hurry, just drive slowly. still too early.

anyway, during the seminar, besides doing my own brainstorming for next year's programme, (boy, makes me excited and look forward to 2010, a far cry from one or two days ago when i said that i actually dun look forward to 2010) ok, where was i? oh ok, i occasionally drifted off in my thoughts. i was like planning where to bring the kids during the holdiays, so here goes:

1) peranakan museum
2) national museum
3) marina barrage
4) sentosa
5) a family night out at boat quay (just want to sit opposite boat quay and let them experience the night skyline)
6) hay dairy
7) dairy farm (apparantly some visitor centre was newly opened recently)

before i buzz off to work hard, today is tuesday, a little tired. looking forward to TGIF.

correction

'if letting go brings happiness to the other party, if letting go gives the other party freedom, why not give this happiness to the one you love? if the one you love is happy, then i'm sure you will feel happy too. '

want to make correction to the above paragraph. yup, totally agree with Serena, letting go is not for the other party, letting go is for yourself. letting go of the misery the other party put you through, letting go of misery and saying hello to finding your own happiness.

Brought the children to library on Saturday morning, it was closed until 2pm as they have some annual event. Well, marcus and max were disappointed, had to explain to them.

In the evening, brought the children for a drive around Woodgrove ave. Want them to see how other people celebrate halloween, how they decorated their houses with halloween decoration.

At night, family gathering. we had a big meeting.

on sunday morning, went back to the library again. the children borrowed some books, then we went to brewerkz. the children were not exactly hungry so did not ordered the pizza for them.

in the evening, we went to uncle john's house for steamboat dinner. well, only a small episode of unhappiness came out. argued over giving tin her dinner. the story:
gor yee and uncle john asked mum if tin ate her dinner. mum said no need, becos tin doesn't eat dinner. she ate a lot in the afternoon and she doesn't want to eat dinner. but gor yee and uncle john insisted. then mum said something that the maid lives with her, she knows the maid. and mum walked away from the dining table. then uncle john continued, mum continued and blah blah blah. i couldn't stand it, i just blurted in chinese 'the maid is only with us 2 years, 2 years later she will go back. she is like an outsider, do not let her ruin our family relationship.'

from where i'm sitting, i can see tin sitting in the kitchen. gor yee gave tin a plate of food. tin left it beside the sink. i shouted into the kitchen 'tin, auntie gor yee gave u food to eat, u better eat it now. dun put it aside.' inside my heart, i was fuming at her.

well, in retrospect, each of us started with something good. uncle john and gor yee is because they care for the welfare of the maid. for mum, she knows that the maid doesn't eat dinner, so she didn't want the food to be wasted. for me, i just want everyone to remember that hey, we are still a family, no point argue over this outsider.

so eventful night, but ended peacefully.