Mabel went over to my mum's place to stay on friday night and i went to fetch her back on monday morning. She followed my mum to a wedding dinner on sunday nite, that's why this arrangement.

on sunday night, marcus was playing on the computer when suddenly he turned around and cried. i asked him what happened, after much coaxing, he told me he missed mabel and wants mabel to come home. My first reaction was, to hug him and assure him that i'll be fetching mabel the next day.

i juz hugged him and cried together with him. He's so cute. no doubt, sometimes, he bullies his sister, but deep down, he needs her. it is very heartwarming to know that he actually misses his sister.

hmmm, where do i begin? it's really not an easy task to be a care giver of a disabled person. I just learnt that there are some things in life that we take for granted and only when you are caring for someone disabled or being one yourself, then you realise it.

take for example, we all take for granted how fortunate we are to have two legs. imagine if you have only one leg, a simple task like wearing your pants, you need someone to help you. While we have two legs, it's easy for us to balance ourselves in a slippery toilet, but minus one leg, you will notice how important it is that the toilet must be extra dry.

well, everyday is a learning process. there is a mistake, we learn from the mistake. we improvise our home to accomodate people.

Been busy and tired recently, getting the room and the house ready for my mother in law (mil).
After she is discharged from the hospital, she will be staying with us. If possible, and if my fil manages to get a change, he too, maybe coming over to stay with us.
So all the shopping to get the room cosy and wheelchair friendly for her, new bed, new wardrobe, new bedside table, new lamp.
The toilet also need some railings and non-slip mats. Been running to shops to find out the best prices for commade, walking frame and wheelchair. Quite a lot of learning points for me.
Then went to hospital for care-giver training also. Short training but essential so that we can better look after.

As I’ve always tell the family and my mil, what is over is over. What is most important is to look forward to the future. This will be a trying period for all of us. Not only my mil has to cope with the feeling and getting used of just one leg, we all have to make adjustments to our lives somehow. Not only do we have to cope with one another habits and ways, we have to stay together to help her overcome the fact that she has already lose her leg.

My maid asked me today if I was sick because she says my face looks pale. Told her I was just feeling tired. (physically and emotionally) looks like it’s already taking a toll on me. But my belief is there will be a better tomorrow.

ok, let's talk about facebook... for those who are on facebook will know what i'm talking about.

Well, it's something like friendster, but something more. you get to add all these applications. at first, i was happily adding application, haiku zoo, vampire, etc etc. But i realise that i'm spending so much time on facebook that i've stopped adding application. i also started to reject my friend's invitation to add this application and that..... sorry, friends.

now, let me disect why these applications are so addictive. Take superpoke for example, they will show you, superpoke how many more friends, then you'll get new actions. at first, the numbers are small, about 5 more friends, or 10 more friends. as you unlock new actions, now my current state is i must superpoke 125 more friends before new actions are unlocked for me! so you see how addictive this is. so now, i'm not really hard up for the new actions.... as and when i feel like it, i'll superpoke some friends.

next, the vampire, werewolf, zombie and slayer application. now that i'm in, i think it's wasted to give up now. I've started to accumulate points and fighting points, so hard to work up the ladder you know. So again, you see how addictive it is... and if you 'bite' your friends, you turn them into vampire or etc, your army is supposedly to be stronger. and if your army bites anybody, you also get points. (sounds like MLM) anyway, i've stopped turning people into vampires and stuff.

and through this application, i also learnt something. it's like you need to fight others to earn points so that you can be promoted to the next level. i remembered, when i initially started when i had little points, everytime i fight with someone, i lose. so i have to pick on someone who is weaker than me, in order to win. So this is such a true reflection of real life! the weaker ones get bullied.

so after about 2-3 weeks of facebook, i've learnt things.

Let’s see….

Petrol prices
Wah, petrol prices are going up by another 5 cents again. Darn, life is hard. Any increase in salary is shaved off very quickly or worse still, you end up poorer than before.

My mum was telling me, 7 years ago, in 2000, diesel (ha, I don’t know how to spell diesel, I actually had to look up the dictionary, thought there is an ‘a’ in the word) anyway, diesel prices were only 55 cents…. In a span of 7 years, it’s now like $1.50 or something like that, 200% increase!!! Our salary only increase by 7 or 8%...

Sometimes, pity those who drive for a living, like taxi drivers, drivers in transportation… cost darn a lot on transport. Again all earnings are shaved off.

Do you notice that some cars, if not most, especially taxi drivers are driving slower than usual. Now everybody, oops, I mean some drive at optimal driving speed. Sometimes, there are no cars in the 1st lane. Hmmm, traffic police got no business. Well, come to think of it, there was a reason why our speed limit is 90km/h. I also noticed some WRX, Impreza driving slowly. Well of course, there are still a few cars who are driving recklessly.

Obeying traffic rules
Well, there must be a reason for traffic rules, and logically, everybody should follow. If only those who are in the right of way teach those who are not obeying traffic rules a lesson. You cannot give way to them, thinking that one matter less is better. This will boost their f88k888 ego especially P plate driver and then they think that they can get away with it. Anyway, some things I learn:
1) Nothing is fair in this world. You obey the traffic rules, you are a stupid fool. Serves you right for not cutting in front.
This morning’s experience just prove this. So many cars who were in the left turn only lane turn right. And those cars who are in the right turn lane actually gave way to them, no wonder those who were behind, find the line moving so slowly. Hmm, I shall go find LTA website and tip the traffic police on this. Yes, I shall do this after I blog.

Men in Singapore
Sometimes it’s pathetic, some men in Singapore are not gentlemen. This goes back to my point above too, people are selfish, they only think about themselves. Ok, let’s just focus on un-gentleman. Again, I repeat, not all men are like that.

Some Singaporean men should learn from the foreigners, although they do not know you, they will hold the door for you, they will let the ladies exit the lift, etc first. Ok, let me dissect (in my own opinions) why some Singaporean men are un-gentleman. They probably have a good career, they are working very hard to keep their position, so sometimes when they are outside, they are preoccupied with thinking about how to maintain their position or arrow another colleague, hence they are unaware of their surroundings.

Number 2, they are probably thinking of that night club hostess or the china lady who was with them the previous night. Or they could even be thinking how to bed some particular women. Or they could be comparing the young, sexy lady who was with them last night and comparing them to their wives…. So that’s why they are unaware of their surroundings.

Number 3, they are plain selfish, only think about themselves, their world is nothing but I, me and my so it’s natural that people should give way to them including ladies.

Still not used to my new blog template… can you believe it, Microsoft word underline the word blog in red, that means I spelt wrongly…. Hmmm, the dictionary never update.

My Chinese horoscope:

Follow your intuition: it won't let you down this time. Try to leave your professional concerns on the doormat of your home. If you decide to embellish your lodgings, try to do the most yourself: This will relax you and your finances will remain in good shape. (untrue, untrue, untrue!) You'll be very much concerned about your parents. Refrain from criticizing others. You must cover yourself better for germs of all kinds are besieging you. (true)

Anyway, take everything with a pinch of salt.

ok, decided to use this new template. a new change perhaps. at least, manage to salvage my tagboard. this rss feed thingy, well, at least now i've learnt more about it....

darn, change the template... now all gone... just because i'm fiddling with rss feed in blogger
ok, i'll try again

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1682534,00.html?xid=rss-topstories

not that i'm particularly interested in world affairs, but then... juz feel that peace is important. and politics are just so (sigh) dark.

Max is so cute, he's sitting right in front of me now as i'm typing this entry. he is inquisitive and a joy to have. sometimes i feel that i love him more than marcus and mabel, and i have to consciously tell myself to be fair to all three.

at this time of the year, got to give thanks. with so many new challenges now and with rising prices, not easy to give thanks in this coming festive season.

www.thanksgivingmovie.com

after watching this, i gained some peace. from thanksgiving, we find the joy and then the peace. finding peace is very important to me now.

Oil prices are very high now. this has pushed up many other costs. Even if flour has not increased, it would eventually, becos transportation cost has increased.

the future looks bleak. life is hard for many people now.

I’m drafting this blog in a meeting, that is how busy life has become.

workwise, who says it’s the holidays for teachers? There are many things to be done. Appraisal, areas for improvement, action plans for 2008, budget for 2008, stock taking, clearing of my table, preparation for open house and planning for next year lessons. Now, meetings almost everyday for appraisal. After appraisal, many things should be able to move faster. a lot of small little meetings with committee and departments. Yup, that’s work, plenty of work to be done, but so little time to complete them.

family wise, crazy with all the illness going on last week. Thought all was well. then on tues, max had the stomach flu again, he lao sai a lot of times, brought him to see a doc on thurs. Actually on thurs itself, mabel and I got a little of upset stomach as well. Quickly gave her medicine the medicine to stop it from worserning. see the doc see until i scare. for this two weeks, i spent a few hundred dollars on seeing doc.

Poor max, shrunk so much esp after his lao sai days. The 2 days when he was so sick, so poor thing. He shook his head to everything, very cranky. Luckily on fri when he was feeling better, he started eating with a vengeance. He has a hearty appetite now and he is back to his cheeky ways, interactive, fun to play with and of course, happier.

then my mil still in hospital... it is actually very straining physically, mentally and financially. I wonder how long I can endure. Just grit my teeth to face the challenges everyday. When she is discharged from the hospital, there would be another new set of challenges to be met. She would definitely come to stay with us for the holidays. We are now getting the house more ready for her. Things like shifting the toys to the children’s room so that she can have the room downstairs. The maid will also have to bunk in with her. Getting ready a walking frame and a wheelchair. Getting ready the bathroom, things like handles at the side of the toilet bowls. Need to get a bed frame for her too. So all these things need to look into and get it done.

On a more personal note, concerts!!! Amei is staging her concert this coming thurs, too late for booking of tickets now and plus no kaki to go with. Jacky cheung and jay chou is coming in Jan!!! maybe I should start saving money.

As for myself, the shrink (which is moi, myself) diagnosed me to be allergic to people, especially friends and distant relatives. Symptom of allergy: irritable with interacting with people. Effect of allergy: in the long run, will develop cynicism and pragmatism towards interacting with people. Cure for allergy: stay away from people or simply just stop interacting with people for the time being. This is to prevent cynicism from developing. Only stop medication when symptom disappears.

Been a crazy week….

After mabel got well on Monday, it was my turn to fall sick… had a fever on mon night. Then on tues night, marcus got sick. On wed afternoon, max got sick. So in the afternoon, brought the two boys to see a doc. It has been (pardon my language) hell of a week. Not been sleeping well, got to check their temperature in the night and if it’s too high, administer medicine. Guess that explains my irritable mood this week. Really drag myself to wake up in the morning, not that I dun want to come to school, but I wish I had a little more sleep. Yeah, now I can understand why people with not enough sleep has such foul mood.

Today, as I was driving to school, heard an old song on the radio. A song that was shared when we were dating. Yup, that was in 2001, when we had not even got our punggol flat and was ‘squatting’ at my uncle’s place. Today as I heard this song again, the feelings juz overwhelmed me. I thought that songs will not make me cry again, but today this song prove me wrong. Ok, maybe I was feeling a little frustrated with handling all the sick people, so this song juz triggered off my emotions.

Ok, time to update.

1) mother in law – hmm, her right foot is bad. Today operation, if cannot be saved, then her foot may be amputated. Many implication… a challenge, but if the family can stand together, it should be overcome.

2) mabel – she has been having fever since Sunday. Brought her to doc, gastric flu… I think she pass me some of her virus, cos now my gastric is also not feeling good and after eating, feel like vomiting.

3) Max – well, he’s fine. I’m just amazed by his ability to learn things. Now he enjoys watching advertisement, certain advertisements, and he will imitate some of the actions. Like the action of eating in KFC, the ‘ahhhhh’ in ricola advert, the brushing of teeth, the dancing in drypers advert. When you take a tissue to clean your mouth, he wants to do the same. When you carry a plastic bag, he wants to carry too, although it’s too big and hampers his walking. He is also quite independent, he doesn’t like to hold your hand when walking, he can walk himself. Except when it comes to moving up or down a step, he knows he needs help, he will hold your hand.

Just read something interesting and enlightening:

Why do I feel so much pain in letting go of the things that are causing me misery?

Hmm, was thinking of summarizing it, but then if I summarize it, the article would have lost its essence. You have to read it yourself if you really want to know. www.osho.com

Why do I find this enlightening? Because there were times when I felt immense pain in letting go of things, letting go of love. Of course, I’ve looked beyond all these already. Osho says, ‘You want to drop misery so that you can be happy – that is an absolutely wrong approach. You will have to drop both.’ Haha, cheem… I guess when we can say that we are free from the misery, in another words, if the things come back to you again, you will also not feel happy. Got it? Yes, I do, I realize that looking beyond things, attaining a choiceless realm, attaining an emotionless realm brings me to a greater sense of peace. And when I have this greater sense of peace, I am happier.

It is the same as playing stocks. Osho says, ‘you will have to see that there are investments in your misery. If you want those investments, you will have to learn to live with the misery, if you want to drop te misery, you will have to drop those investments too.’ It is the same as misery, I know of one lady in friendster, she has such a complicated relationship, now I know why she is holding on to her misery, because there is hope in her misery, so she is clinging on to her hope to her misery. Well, I’ve advised her enough but if she chooses to continue to cling on to her hope, maybe that is what is motivating her to live, well then, it’s her choice. I’ve stopped advising her. Asking her to read Osho’s article may only affirmed her actions.

Ok, so much said. I’m feeling drowsy from all the ‘enlightenment’. Need to rest and meditate.

Just when I thought that blogger is ok again, it did it again… wiped out my posting I just posted. Darn it.

Anyway, I was saying, thanks for all the encouragement and support. My colleagues said that I could be suffering from burnout. Yeah, a burnout…. Just like the game burnout dominator. When u finish the supercharge, u get a burn out. Then u need to charge up the super charge again.

So now I think I need a super super super charge

Black Thursday

I do not know why but I’m getting impatient and angry over the slightest things. Slightest things that friends, colleagues, children or students say. Sometimes it’s like it’s not even targeting at me, it’s like they are talking so loudly lor, then I overheard what they say, then I get impatient with them. So many times, I restrain myself from rebutting back. (self discipline)

Anyway, just feel so disappointed with students’ prelim results. I do not know what has gone wrong, me? My teaching? Or them? Arghhhh, i’m getting that kind of spiral feeling again… just spiraling down without control.

When I read from worldvision.com, how other children do not even have a chance to have an education, they have to roam the streets for a living, sometimes in an undignified way. When reading their story, I just cried. Our students here do not know how lucky they are.

Sigh, I do not wish to elaborate further.

after reading the message, just feel so pissed.