been 2 weeks since my last update. been very busy with work. but at the same time, i've thought about work, life. i guess when u reach a point of burn out, u tend to take a step back to reflect what is all this for?

Work, no doubt is busy, this is the busiest time of the year. with so many things to do and straddle and manage, sometimes u can't help but wonder why? why we work so hard and others can just 'chao keng' and do the minimum? this is not fair, i know, i know very well, life is not fair.

this morning as i was sipping coffee and just thinking... something juz hit me in the head and i juz got emo.

anyway, what will keep me going are my 3 children. as marcus and mabel is growing up, expectation is for them to be more independent and of course, academic performance. as for son son, his character is shaping. he is very talkative, his smiles charm me. he can by trying at times also, but slowly teach him lor. he woke up at 4 plus again this morning. maybe that is why i needed my coffee this morning.

whatever life brings, juz be it. most important, my children are happy. most important, you are happy.

dear max woke up at 2 something last nite. well, his pampers was wet and his pyjamas was wet. ok, fine, then i changed for him. but after that, he just refused to go to sleep. after 2 hours of shaking him, i decided to carry him up and then juz let him play toys. even until 5 plus, i thought he might want to sleep, so that I can catch some sleep before my alarm rings at 545am!!!! but he doesn't want to sleep. sigh, no choice, carry him again.

hence i think today's mood is so-so, will try to keep myself going. better have nothing to trigger and make the mood foul. cross my fingers...

flower craze

been trying to hone my green fingers lately. bought two plants (in fact, one was given to me), one is the 'ang hui' which loosely translated 'red flower' plant. another is the orchid. looked up information about orchids on the internet. needed tips on how to grow them well. now a new stalk is coming out, so happy.

the other one, as i dunno the english name, i'm still trying to test out.

i remember last time i came across a website which gives you ideas on how to arrange flowers. some are quite unconventional way of arranging flowers. it's a very interesting website, but i've since lost it... can't find it in my history files either, i dun have the slightest idea the name. juz know it's a uk based website. sharks, i should have added it to my favourite.

anyway, chance upon marthastewartc.om. great ideas in different categories. if i'm at home during the weekdays, i try to catch the show on channel 5, 12 noon.

recent 2 murders

As the interesting details about the two murders surfaced over the newspaper the past few days, i cannot help it but my heart goes out to the children.

ok, marital problems.... why must you kill your the other party? didn't you think of your children? you really think that by killing your husband, your children will accept your new boyfriend as daddy? have you spared a thought for your children? i really pity them. as in the case of the woman who was killed by the husband, her two children are so young! age 2 and 4... my god... so sad, the father will be in jail or probably hang, the mother is dead.

then the other case where the husband was killed... i really dunno how to say. i think if i'm the 9 year old daughter, i will hate the mother forever.

so for my children, a happy family i will give them.

again, thought i've lots to say, but now that i've logged in, i also dunno wat to say.

went to giant on sat to buy things. well, over there, u must not be kind and give in, esp the seafood session and the vegetable section. will lose out one, those aunties grab things, like nobody's business.

it's only 1st of july... 11 more days to pay day... :(

just did a Multiple Intelligence test. and this is my result



You're a Visual/Spatial Intelligence!

The Multiple Intelligences Test
Brought to you by Tickle

10th anniversary

soon, it will be 9th July. remember 9.7.97? so fast, in a blink, it has been 10 years. well, 10 years is definitely not short, neither can you say it's long.

but 10 long years of marriage. no doubt there were ups and downs, we weathered so much together, it makes me appreciate us more.

dear lao gong, i juz want to thank you for always being there for me, always so patient with me, always loving me, no matter how cranky i can be sometimes or unreasonable.

i juz want to wish us many more 10 years to come, children to grow up happy in the warmth of the family and i love you, always. till eternity, till death do us apart.

not been updating recently because busy with new house. finally, moved into new house on 16th June. must put on record, thanks to kian and bing for helping out with the moving.

in fact, a few days before, was busy moving some bulky stuff and unpacking some kitchen stuff. stressed and no appetite. wash toilet and cooker hood until i want to vomit.

after shifting in...well, finally relieved. everything went smoothly on the actual day. but i was dead tired. glad the children like it. this makes all the pain and effort and sweat worth it. For them, we will hold the fortress.

not really in the mood to blog, cos too relax, not settled down and many things to do. also affected by some photos i juz saw. and it's 4 pm already, i want to go home!

thought i have so many things to say, but i've been staring into the screen for the past 5 mins, i do not know how to start.

forgiveness.... i totally agree with Osho that it's not whether a person is worthy or not to be forgiven. it's actually all inside our heart, whether we are ready to forgive. that is why although i've printed out the article on forgiveness, i've put off reading it because i know in my heart, i'm not ready.

aiya, inside my head, a lot of things to think and worry, not in the mood to blog

hmmm, let me see, wat did we do over the weekend? hmmm, can't rem much.... juz remember vesak day seems like a sunday,and sat also seems like a sunday...

anyway, on friday afternoon, went to pc show. so darn crowded, have to park at esplanade. well, looked around, didn't really buy anything. look see look see only.

on saturday... can't remember much, at night went junction 8, secret receipe to have dinner. hmmm, max actually finish 3/4 of the cake, he loves the chocolate cake.

on sunday... let me see, ah, early in the morning, go toa payoh report for service learning project. actually come to think of it hor, very silly leh, i should juz submit my students' name, then i act smart, go and submit my name.... so have to do lor. aiyah... but it was fun doing it. maybe becos of age, i am more daring to approach people to donate. it's an interesting 5 hours.

mabel has been going to my mum's place to stay over on sat nites becos she wants to follow her yiyi to church on sunday. as for marcus, he can't be bothered to go to church, so he doesn't want to go. sometimes it feels weird when mabel is not around. she is so handy and helps out with every single little thing when she is around. without her around, it seems so funny

max can suck from the straw. i thought that was impressive for his age. and he is getting more and more greedy. he also has a bad temper, very bad. when he does something wrong, he would look at me first, then he would cry first so that people will not scold him. so cheeky

our experiences, whether good or bad, will cause us to think in a certain way. experiences will also reinforce this thinking. and eventually, this thinking will shape our belief system.

so i dun blame anybody for having bad experiences, and thus your belief is there.

these 2 months, all these experiences has also shaped my belief.

these 2 months has knocked some senses into me. i finally open my eyes and see and realise. All this while, my dear has been standing beside me, behind me and has done so much for this family. sometimes i feel bad that i have not done my part as a wife. although beaten and wearied, he has not given up and has put in a lot of effort to hold the family together. i should have done more for him. i will, from today onwards, be a better wife and be there for him as well. we have come a long way, from my family's objection of us being together, the 6 months apart from each other, the letters that we wrote to each other every single day and posting them out through snail mail, the small little pocket tv that we watched together for 3 months juz after our marriage, until my dad buys us a tv. These are the hardships that we have gone through together.

you have done so much for the family, and yet i was so blind. i'm truly truly sorry.

we will have more hardships to go through together in future, with the new house, with the kids growing up, new challenges to face. can i hold your hand one more time and walk down the aisle again and say 'i do' again?

i love you, my dear! and of course, together, we will love our children, all 3 of them and together, a happy family. (Father And Mother I Love You)

god, did u juz cry? when i cried, someone told me to save the crocodile tears. so can i say the same thing to u?

the rain has stopped, wat does it signify?

you are kind to others, but who is kind to you? does it pay to be kind? why must we be so mean in order to survive? it's not only the fittest that survive, it's the fittest and the meanest that will survive.

i dun believe in god anymore, i believe in myself, i believe in money.

i know one of these days, god will make me take back my words.

banish me to hell, all 18th levels of them.

disclaimer: all above mentioned words are spoken in the moment of depression, daze and desperation. pls do not imitate.

hmmm, today is shiloh's birthday.

anyway, went to challenger yesterday, finally, bought my 1GB storage card for my hp. $19.90, cheap liao.... finally. now transferring some things. alright, now instead of 64MB, i got 1000MB!!!!!!! can take more pictures of son son and take more videos of this naughty boy.

ok, let me see....
my next target is a PSP for marcus and a gameboy or nintendo DS for mabel. so looking ard for promotion. early birthday present for them

humans, we are juz making use of one another, ain't it?

the only thing that gets me going are my three children. this morning, all of them were lazing on the bed, happily playing with one another. The gor gor and jie jie love max, i think max particularly gets on well with jie jie. well, at least jie jie can make him laugh. Max always look forward to playing with both of them. without both of them, i think he would feel bored. should have taken a picture of 3 of them in bed this morning.

looking at them, i juz know feel that they need the parents, we must go on for the sake of them.

2nd June is next Sat. coming soon. sigh, if i can't meet this deadline, i dunno how.

anyway, life is going on. it has to

SATURDAY

ok, on sat, went hola for breakfast. then go to school, students reporting for flag day. after about an hour, quite confirm that nobody will come anymore, pack up. went to repair my PC. then some stupid thing happen to me. i couldn't quite believe myself. i miss a step, or rather i didn't see a step and i fell down. lucky i used my hand to 'ding' otherwise i fall flat on my face. but my 2 knee caps, bruised and abrasion. lucky i wear long pants, otherwise abrasion more jialat. kao, i can't believe myself, how could i not see the step???? so damn paiseh. it's like an adult falling down lor, actually it's quite funny.

then still got some time before i head back to school to collect the tins, so we went queensway shopping centre to check out the price of sports shoes. This mr tan hor, his puma shoes almost spoil already, suppose to buy a new one, but then hor, see so long, still haven't buy.

anyway, went back school to collect the tins. then when this is settled, by the time we reach home, it's like almost 3 plus. still have to go hospital. but today, thanks to max who was feeling sleepy, we didn't stay in the hospital too long. then come back, 530 already, later 7pm going my mum's house for dinner, catch a quick nap. oh yah, on the way to my mum's house, marcus fell down. and the funny thing was he fell down exactly the same way as i did!!! he missed a step, then without warning, he fell to his knees. i was like laughing real hard...(actually as i was typing now, i'm still laughing at the incident) it's like i so bad lor, my son fell down, well, he didn't really cry, but it was painful, but this mother here kept on laughing) then we were like telling mabel, u better be careful, watch your step, u maybe the next one to fall.

in the night, on yibing's invitation, went out to celebrate his birthday. mr tan came along too. after the youngest one sleep already, we changed and we decided to take a cab. dun want to be caught for drunk driving. was really excited. it's like the old times again, going out on sat nites. went to qbar at the boat quay. actually it's not really at boat quay. it's opposite boat quay! that's a big difference. anyway, met up, drank some, cut birthday cake and then we change venue. decided to go kbox at marina square. it's really fun to take the slow walk to marina square. makes both of us feel young again . there were about 10 of us.

it was really like good to see some of the ex students, and even happier to see that they have grown up, became best of friends and brothers. we already made appointments, next time i shift to tampines, we will have more chance to lim kopi.

SUNDAY
woke up at 11 plus this morning, reached home at about 5am, so ok lah, about 6 hours of sleep. went over to the coffeeshop to try the new western stall, hmm, not too bad, then it's back to the hospital again. then after that, went to tampines giant to buy food stuff. decided to have steam boat becos marcus wants to catch the spiderman 2 on ch 5 tonight. so called grandma, aunties, sis, her bf adrian, and my mum of course.

tampines giant is a great place to buy things. lots of stuff, the food variety is a lot, the best part is there is live prawns! best for steamboat. beef, tho it's frozen, but not many supermarkets would sell beef sukiyaki or shabu shabu. they are the best for steamboat, tho it's not the genuine jap steamboat. i even manage to get pork sukiyaki. can u beat that??? then at least, manage to get some vegetables that is suitable for steamboat. fruits!!!! oh yah, some inconsiderate people actually stood there and on the pretext of tasting the lychee, ate so many lychee. how cheapo can they get? bought the thai mango too, ohhhhh, saliva dripping.

the seafood range is great too. there is one whole cuttlefish, sotong, not many supermarkets sell this too. and we bought some gong gong. juz boil it, it would be best. then this uncle saw me buy one whole cuttlefish, he wanted to know how much it cost, it was $2 something. then i ask uncle cheap or not, uncle say cheap, he also buy one. it was nice chatting with shoppers. oh yah, there was this salesgirl who recommend me to buy the scallop, half shell. i tell her i dunno how to cook, she even teach me how to cook!!! juz steam can already. i was tempted to buy, but i need to focus on buying things for steamboat. so i told her i'll get it some other time. said i'll get the scallops for steamboat instead. it was great shopping at tampines giant. the best thing is parking is FREE!!!!! i can imagine myself shopping there more often when i shift to tampines.

guess, how much i spent? i bought a packet of rice, some drinks, soya ben, milk, cheese, cuttle fish, live prawns 1 kg, gong gong, vegetables, jambu fruit, mango, meat, beef, chicken, pork pacific clams 2 cans, the shoots 2 cans, scallops 1 packet, udon, yong tau foo stuff, toilet roll, oh yah, and shrek 3 packaging coco balls, (and guess wat, marcus drop the whole packet of coco balls at home while eating, it's like all three of us picking up the balls for him lor. lucky the floor is not dirty) total is $147. cheap sia, for so many things. there would be 8 adults, 2 children and 2 maids eating, total 12 people. about $12.25 per person. cheap.........

ok, i got to go help to prepare the steamboat stuff.

ok, i'm pissed. you dun come and disturb me early in the morning, u piss me off, u get wrath.

as usual, i was driving along PIE, on the centre lane, not very fast today, about 80 - 90. then as i approach simei, i filter into 3rd lane, travelling behind a van, 2 motorcycles. then there is this honda, at first sight, it was a honda accord, with that kind of white light as headlight, from my rear mirror, i can see that he cuts in from 1st lane to 2nd lane, wanting to cut into 3rd lane, but becos of the double white line, he was kind of like behind me. after the double white line, he wanted to cut into the 3rd lane, but couldn't quite decide whether to cut in front of me or behind me. so in the end, he choose to be behind me.

ok, so we exit. so you know there is this curvy road... well, the 2 motorcycles were slow, so i kind of like overtake them and drive on the outer curve. the honda got stuck behind the 2 motorcycles. so after exiting, the next step was to filter left into simei. this honda, after exiting the PIE, drive so fast (he is also obviously going into simei) and come up so close behind my car. i have a gut feeling that if i'm slow, he would have overtake me and cut into my lane. but becos i'm quite near to the filter already, so he had no choice but to go behind me. then i did something wicked. i brake, waiting for him to bang my car's backside.

filter into simei. then traffic light, stop. he looked at me, i looked back at him. then green light. he 'free willy' his car. do u call that 'free willy'? anyway i dunno the correct spelling but for a bike, the front wheel would have taken off. anyway, his wheels did some screeching sound and off he goes.

well, actually that could be the end of the story, but as i looked at the honda, kao, new civic, P plate, young man, i must stalk him all the way to the car park. so i chased after him. of course, my picanto cannot chase the civic, but then, come on, there are so many small roads, big buses around simei, how far can he go? but i know i have to watch out for pedestrains who may be crossing the road. i dun want to regret anything.

so chased him all the way to the carpark. the only thing i stop short of was to go down the car and give him a good scolding or to show him my middle finger. not worth the while. i made a 3 point turn and then i left.

young chaps. *slaps forehead* never cho cho ah soh when u drive. sD* 1188. nice number, maybe it could be his father's car.

wahhhhhhh, so busy, no time to really sit down to blog. anyway, too mechanical and emotionless to really feel for each day. juz wake up, go through the motion, try to finish up my things, and then look forward to sleep.

max and marcus is not feeling well this week. brought max to see doc on sat morn. so is mil. she is warded in hosp. marcus, today, teacher called to say that he has fever, brought him home then to see doc. mainly cough, those dry kind of cough. i'm also feeling the itch in my throat today. been coughing slightly today. of course i catch the germs. When carry max that time, he started coughing, then he no jalan one, cough straight into my face. all his saliva on my face. and also he started to kiss me on my lips, like that i confirm catch the germs. no choice, your son kiss you, u cannot push away.

now i understand when people are driven to desperation, some of the things that they do when they are desperate. i'm not saying that this is an excuse for people to commit crimes or things like.

it's juz that i understand their feeling, the feeling of desperation.