trying not to do something is hard. no wonder some people find it hard to quit undesirable habits like smoking or taking drugs.

trying not to think, trying not to miss, trying not to sms, trying not to call, trying not to email someone is equally difficult.

couldn't sleep last nite. woke up at 3am, then i got stuck, staring at the ceiling. thought about a lot of things. work is one, then thought of the past, thought of the future also.

had to force myself to sleep at 4am. but the dream was so painfully real, that i woke up with a shock. it was so so real.

nvm, maybe i'm juz daydreaming to get myself off from thinking about work.

fri nite was painfully difficult to go by, especially when it comes to 9 something or 10 in the nite.

1st big quarrel: 14th - 18th of april.

watched spiderman 2 on HBO.

spiderman loved the gal so much, but he didn't dare say to her. also, he knew that he has many enemies as spiderman, and thus he doesn't want to jeopardise the gal's safety. he gave up his love.

some may find it touching, or on the extreme, some may find it hypocritical. for me, i cried. eventually, the gal ran away from her wedding and went to find spiderman. i wish i had her courage.

thoughts for the weekend, tomorrow will be another busy week before the cny.

362 days.

i dunno what to say. sorry? thank you? up till this point, i still dunno. but one thing for sure, i'll take good care of the child, i promise. this is one thing i can do for you.

eyes are puffy, feels like putting eye mask. hmmm, eye mask. nothing, juz came across my mind.

yah thank you so much, thank you so much for letting me realise the pain of your child in another family, calling other people mum or dad. yah, the pain, u r right, i can feel it, right thru the heart. retribution, yeah, it is.

maybe, maybe all should have a good talk together. all have the thought, looks like it's up to me to co-ordinate.

but if i can give up melody, then maybe there is no need for talk.

this time i'm really stuck. yah, probably i can feel wat u feel, cried and after crying, still have to walk out and smile to people.

aren't u glad that i'm getting my retribution?

nobody is happy in this, all are miserable.

i promise myself not to cry, i've tried hard, well at least my tears didn't pour, good work, tears, keep up the good work!

suppose to be doing my work, but my mind is blank, totally blank and i'm crying over silly little things. god, i'm such a loser.

juz came to my mind.

RETRIBUTION

this morning woke up with a heavy head and a heavy heart. eyes are swollen.

last nite, yesterday, 11/1, triple one again. anyway, the rain came in time last nite. it was pouring so heavy. so very heavy. i've never seen the sky cry so much before. it frightens me.

the sound of the rain pattering on the hard ground was so loud, it was good becos in this way, i couldn't hear the heartsss shattering.

it juz proves to me once again that i have done wrong.

nobody deserve to be what they are today.

it's all my fault. i deserve to be lonely for the rest of my life.

ever come to a point in life where:

turn right is wrong, turn left also wrong

move forward, not possible unless the current problems are solved.

move backward, even worse, even not possible becos u can never turn back the clock.

have listened to the song.

long ago, i set out with no ill intentions.

have to let go...........

back to school

1st day of school, happy and sad

sad becos days of sleeping until 10am are over, sad becos no more carefree days.

happy becos i'm creatively engaged during the day (erm, that means working lah), happy becos time passes so darn fast. it's already 4pm and i have 7 to do things to do.