how to spice up my life?

been very negative lately, so much so that there were a few times i have suicidal thoughts. got to push it out of my head quickly, quite scary. The last time i had this kind of feeling was when i'm in secondary school. 14 years old to be more precise. but when i was younger, the thought was not so scary, it is scary now cos despite the commitments i have (family, friends and work) and i still have this kind of thought, something is wrong with me.

they say that psychatrists (god, how to spell that word?) earns a lot from treating teachers. woodbridge hospital also have a lot of cases of teachers being admitted... hmmm, time for me to book my lodging with woodbridge hospital? maybe.

the only joy i have now is watching my kids... that day i juz watched marcus. he's a happy boy. he tries to be happy, i wish i can learn from him. he's crazy in his own way, looking under the car, dancing suddenly... sudden outburst of his expressions like this. asked him once what was that for, he told me, 'i'm happy!' think the school, his teacher is doing a good job of keeping the children happy. so for him and mabel, i will be happy for them. i'm sad becos i'm not spending enough time with them... until now they prefers the maid to do things for them. they dun need mummy to wash up for them, no need mummy to change clothes for them. it's sad... but one thing, they need mummy to play xbox games with them... haha. and also mummy to tuck them in bed. even tho sometimes it's very squeezy for 4 people on a queen size bed, i dun mind, cos nobody can be that close to them, except the parents.

when i watched the two of them... they are so carefree. enjoy school, when they are hungry, they eat, so much things to keep themselves entertained. marcus is busy with playing his trains and train sets, he can be at it for hours.... mabel is happy eating her titbits, biscuits, sweets, never stops eating.

quality of life.... that is something i've been teaching the students lately. you can have a high standard of living, with all the things u want, but u may not be satisfied with your life. you may have a low standard of living, but u may be satisfied with the simple things you have. like if i'm stranded on an island with little inhabitants, every day, i'll have to hunt for food, be it fruits in the jungle or fishes in the ocean. no washing machine... no electricity... gathering firewood... mayb the change is too drastic, i may not survive, i dunno, but think it's a good change of environment.

yah yah, i've heard all those advices... work is never ending, relax, destress.... i know... relax and destress, it's only for that moment, i feel ok, but after that, it's back to reality again. then the stress and depression got worse. that is where i'm confused. i know work is never ending, so take one day at a time... i know i can destress for a while. the destress part is supposed to refresh u and recharge u... so that u can head back to work with renewed energy. but the destress for me is not working for me, i get more depressed after my destress. so how? i can't keep on working and not relax, but i dun want to relax becos i get more depressed after that... so have i come to a cross junction where i have to make major decisions? to quit or not to quit....arrgh, i hate living.

god, this is a long posting... sorry... juz want to track down my inner most feelings and thoughts. i dunno if this is my inner most feelings or not. cos i really dun have the time to probe myself further. i'm suppose to be printing out worksheets and doing lesson preparation, and i'm 45 mins behind my schedule. ARRGH! LIFE AND WORK SUX!