Max has been waking up these few days and crying when we go to work. His 'antenna' is especially sensitive.

we have talked to him many times the night before.
Max: tomorrow mummy papa no go work.
We: tomorrow is thursday, not saturday, mummy papa have to go work
Max: no, tomorrow mummy papa no go work
We: tomorrow is thursday, then friday. When saturday comes, mummy papa then bring you go playground. You are a big boy already, right? you will not cry, right?
Max: (kept quiet)

In the morning, when we wake up, we have been especially quiet, like thief. but still, he woke up. it has been like this since the beginning of this week. yesterday morning, before i left the house, i went over to the sofa where he was sitting to talk to him. it didn't work, he held on to me, hugged me, refused to let me go.

this morning, i 'ignored' him and walked to the door, wear my shoes. he started sobbing. then he walked towards the door. the maid carried him. 'mummy! ma ma' in between sobs. then as i walked out of the door, his crying got louder. i just waved goodbye to him and smiled at him. he just cried and cried. i had to walk on, without looking back.

wah, that few minutes of hearing him cry just tore my heart. it felt like i was abandoning him like that. it was very painful. i wish i could hug him and not go to work. but i know hugging him will make it worse and harder for me to leave for work. just makes me feel so shitty. just makes me feel like being a stay home mum.

this never happen to marcus and mabel before. probably they had each other as company. i feel so bad. i miss max. pain.