just now during dinner, lao gong was telling me about this customer who took the taxi with his daughter. His daughter is about 9 years old. It seems like parents are getting a divorce. Then in the taxi, the father asked the daughter whether she has decided to follow the mother or the father. The daughter didn't say anything.

i told lao gong, i was asked that question when i was in primary 1. i watched my parents quarrel, i heard their quarrels, sometimes they shouted at each other. there was once i saw my father strangled my mum's neck. can you imagine, i can still remember the scene. i didn't understand why 2 adults who said they loved each other, married each other and have kids, can quarrel until like that. is it becos there was no more love between them already? as an adult now and reflecting on my own marriage, would we come to a point where we quarrel so loudly and strangle each other's neck?

back to my parents, then the inevitable came. mum packed her luggage and she left. but she came back 5 mins later and i was asked that million dollar question, 'who do you want to follow, daddy or mummy?' as usual, i kept my mouth shut. but i didn't purposely ignore, in my heart, i was thinking, how can i choose, one is my father and one is my mother.

then mum didn't leave, she stayed. but i know from then on, their relationship should have gone downhill. until one fine day, when i was in pri 2, yup, about a year later. i came home from school and was surprised to see my father at home and my uncle, that would be my father's brother. he was packing his clothes. then i asked him, daddy, u going to another country.

he carried me and put me on his lap, he told me that he's leaving. he told me that he had to leave, he's leaving my mum, but he still love me. i knew he cried because his tears dripped onto my leg. at that time, i could only cry, i did not know why i didn't ask him to stay. i juz cried. before he left, he gave me a hug, then i watched him leave the house. i could only cry silently. i didn't understand what was happening then. recalling this scene.... mmm

reflection: i do not know how my parents' divorce had affected me. i knew that until a few years later, i still cannot accept. i would always look at other children and envy that they have a father, i would ask why isn't my family complete?
i've heard of how the high probability that my own marriage may end up in divorce too, i was apprehensive about marriage, i did think and consider before i got married.
even if i stay married together, i'm not sure if my parent's divorce still has an impact on me or not. it may impact me indirectly, i dunno.
but one thing for sure, it has impacted me in the way i am. from young, i'm more exposed to female figures in the family. i did not have a male figure. man has always been absent in my upbringing. hence i learnt to take care of myself, i do not depend on others, i'm used to doing most things myself. i'm used to depending on myself. i'm used to be the loner. maybe that impact me in a way, i know i will survive in event if my marriage is not successful. i think i would not be like some woman who will die if their spouse died or leave them.

would i allow a man to love me now and take charge over me? would i start to learn to depend on the man? i don't know. maybe i will, but only for a while, i'm quite sure that within a few hours, i'll be back to my normal self.

is this good or bad? i don't have the answer.
this blog was started with 'i was asked the same question when i was in pri 1'