i scolded marcus this morning... it was just the tip of the volcano, what comes after was the real frustration that i felt.

actually since yesterday, i was not happy at work. in the afternoon, comes the news that Marcus lost his wallet. dormant volcano started to bubble inside. frustrated because mabel just lost her wallet a few weeks ago and it was also on a monday or tuesday, their allowance for the week is in the wallet. it's not the money issue. some adults advised me to give them daily instead of weekly, but the thing is i want to train them to learn to budget their money. yes, maybe they should not have bring the whole lump sum to school, as i said, it's not the money issue, it's the ezlink card that is inside the wallet that is troublesome. Some of us went through the hassle of losing wallet, we know it's always not the money issue, though it's painful, it's the card that is very troublesome to settle.

this morning, told marcus to keep his papers properly in the file. in the lift, as marcus turned his back towards me, i saw two big holes in his bag! the holes were made by the corner of the files! that blew my top!

1) there are two compartments in the bag, who puts the file in the front compartment. it was because he put his file in the front compartment, that's why the bag slant towards the front as he carries it and it cuts the school bag, therefore making the two holes. stupidity no. 1.

2) i just bought the school bag in june, it's only a term and he spoils a bag and it's a converse bag lor! not very expensive, below the $50 range.

reached ground floor, i really cannot stand the way he packs the bag, i rearranged his things in the bag at the table found near the lift lobby.

i told my children honestly, yesterday i was so close to resigning from my job but what stops me from resigning is the family. im sorry to use the word, the burden of the family makes me rationalise my thinking and i controlled my actions. i told the children i'm not happy at work, anytime, i may just quit from my work, then they better be prepared. i told them, please be appreciative of the things that we buy for them. it's not easy working and earning money.

after they alighted from the car, same old me started thinking and thinking. every time, we do so many things for the children, for others, think of others, control our actions. but it's so tiring. maybe maybe others have thought for me, considerate for me.... i just feel that how nice it is to let go now.... to totally let go now..... i went to see the doc for pills to help me relax and sleep at night..... the doc was asking me if he needs to refer me to see a counsellor, a psychatrist. i told him i'll reconsider.

i'm not happy at work, i'm not happy at home. i'm not happy....

sometimes i wonder if i have the courage to go... or if i can just do things for myself....myself....