been the worst holiday ever

Been the worst holiday ever, wave after wave of bad news that hits, just when i thought that i had recovered and stood up again from the last wave, another wave just hit me again. i want to say, i'm battered, totally battered, i have no energy to fight the wave and like the blog title says, i really feel like a block of wood, drifting at sea.

i know about thinking positively and standing up again, but i need to let out some bad air (smelly air?), acknowledge my negative feelings, so that it no longer exists and then let the positive feelings sink in, right? so please excuse this blog because it's definitely an outlet for my negativity and i promise after negative feelings are acknowledged, i will stand up again. So, please, this blog is not directed at anybody, please do not be over sensitive. 如有雷同，纯属巧合。

i was devastated when i saw marcus rashes on his body, and i still told myself, rashes, no worries, still trying to bluff myself, but at the back of my mind, i think i knew the answer. and i didn't want to accept the fact, accept the reality. when i bring marcus to see the doctor, while registering, i was still hoping that it's rash.

i do not know why i did want to accept that he has chicken pox. In the morning, actually, i was in a bad mood, but i could say that i did a good job in controlling my temper. i refrain from speaking lest i say the wrong thing, i refrain from scolding the children and setting a bad example on anger management.

so it wasn't healthy to keep it all inside, hence i really really need to let it out and once and for all, get it over and done with.

I guess i was affected, because i'm in a dilemma if should cancel the vacation. Marcus is definitely not going, the painful decision is should the whole family's vacation be cancelled as well? Trust me, it was very difficult to make a decision and when i was angry, i didn't want to make any decision, found out the various options etc. I know i make hasty and unsound and stupid decisions when i am angry.

so it sets me thinking, should i? should i not? already, the whole family has not been going outings due to Max chicken pox, and now Marcus got it. And the whole family is kind of looking forward to this holiday trip. It is indeed very difficult. Some people say bo pian, already got the chicken pox, no choice. Why don't the person try wearing my shoes and i turn around and tell the person, no choice. But i know the person is trying to cheer me up.

Actually come to think of it, it's worse if there is no one to blame. Don't misunderstand me again, I'm not trying to blame someone. Really, there is no one to blame, that makes it worse, because you can't scold anyone, no one is at fault.

so whether i like it or not, i still have to make a decision, should i or should i not cancel the whole family's vacation?