what i told grandma

that day when i visited grandma, i told her this:

'ah ma, i'm sorry i was not able to go back to God, because i was not ready. on one hand i'm sorry to you and Him but on the other hand, i do not want to go back to God just for the sake of a promise to you. i want to be really prepared and sincere if i were to go back to God.

ah ma, maybe the day when i walked into a church to attend the service will be the day when i know that all the hypocrisy that i've seen is gone. the day i walked into a church will be the day i know i can be a good testimony to God. for each day that i can't reconcile what i've saw, each day that i can't reconcile that i'm not a hypocrite Christian myself, i will not go back to Him.

so ah ma, once again, sorry. (each time i visit her, i'll say sorry to her in my heart) i love u and of course do not want to disappoint u, but that doesn't mean that i should just go back to God for the sake of you. In the meantime, ah mah, pls continue to watch over your children. They need you more than your grandchildren do.

everytime i go visit you, i saw the young man lying beside you, sometimes i envied him.

love you always, grandma, from San.'