no, this is not going to be a resolution kind of posting, actually i don't really like resolution, mainly because i'm afraid of committing. I've learnt that when you are not ready, don't commit.

yes, i'm wondering why am i here blogging on the last day of the year 2010 and waking up at 4 plus and can't get back to sleep. if it's in the holidays, maybe i can easily fall back to sleep but holidays are ending soon, there are many things on your mind and when there are many things on your mind, you just can't sleep. must be lao gong's alarm clock that woke not only him but me up as well.

i just feel that i'm at this cross road in life, mid mid life crisis??? if i can recall, 10 years ago, around this time, i also had a major conflict with hubby. the reason why i remembered clearly because 10 years ago, i gave birth to Marcus, and there were many issues of even trying to look after him myself, so that's how the conflict came about.

(i suspect this is going to be a long post)

10 years later, major conflict again, this time, it's not about children, it's about family. have we ever had argument because of our differences? so far, maybe not, maybe minor ones, but it was quickly settled, because we could change ourselves to improve the situation. hey, come to think of it, we are quite compatible mah...... back to the topic, this year it is major, because we cannot change the external factors that cause the problem.

my thoughts are very random now.... i know when people read this, people will say, if cannot change the external factors, then accept it. accept, 6 letters, easy to say, easy to spell, difficult to carry it out. accept has this connotation of tolerating, to accept what you cannot change comprises of tolerate. tolerate has a negative connotation as compared to embrace. so maybe i should embrace the fact. but then again, maybe i'm not willing to embrace.

brought me back to something, people, family members, always say that i'm thoughtful lah, blah blah blah. i'm not that great nor that saint. Shit, i suddenly thought of this: is this God's way of calling me back to Him?

back to topic and summarise, as i was saying: at this cross road of relationship with hubby, make or break? maybe some people are right, when things go wrong, i always go back to myself and ask what have i done wrong? so here i am, asking myself what have i done wrong, what have i not done enough?

brings back memories that is very painful.... i have never really confronted the effects of a divorce on the children. i'm questioning and questioning myself, what were the effects? i'm not putting the blame on my parents, just trying to find a relationship between my character and my childhood experiences.

do i fear losing the one i love? yes, i do, i lost my father, i didn't have a choice, so there is this fear of losing someone i love, so maybe that's why i need assurance.
that's also probably why i change myself, i question myself when things go wrong... maybe from young, i have this subtle thinking that if i were better, would daddy have left? did i not do enough to stop him from leaving?
having an absent male figure as i grow up, maybe it has taught me to be more independent.

one important thing i realise: when a couple still choose to be together in a marriage, it means that there is still love. yes, maybe you have to search further, but i'm sure it is there, because from my parents' experience, i can now answer why my father left. there was no more love, no more hope in the marriage. I, his child, am not even enough to make him feel that he has a duty to stay on in the marriage. he has really lost hope.

yes, maybe there are marriages out there which continued on because of duty. but i question, are they happy? why make themselves so unhappy, clinging on? My dad really has the courage, i wondered where he got the courage to leave. I mean, i cannot imagining myself coming home one day, packing my clothes and leaving the house.

actually i almost did last friday, i took my handbag and in my t shirt and shorts, i wanted to walk out.... but marcus and mabel stopped me.

so back to questioning my own marriage: is there still love in the marriage? or am i still here because of children? i do not see any future nor hope at the other end, so now is plan b or plan c, yes, plan c was conceived yesterday. i have no answer even when the year is ending, though i hope to resolve it, i guess again, things just continue on because it's just my nature to think for this person, think for that person and in the end, sigh. maybe my resolution for next year is to spare a thought for myself.