wonder how daddy is doing

today dad went for his first session of chemo, wonder how he is doing. didn't want to disturb him today as i think he would be very tired from the session.

anyway, juz dun feel good today. sucky feeling the whole day.
just like this

再说一次我爱你

3rd time watching this show, 3rd time crying.

Don't know, many emotions, I don't know where to start.

I kept typing and deleting. Anyway, a range of emotions after the show.

Lucky I finished the show alone, otherwise some people is going to suan me say I sentimental, only a show, dunno y women always cry watching show and movie.

Mood swing

Sometimes I feel that my mood swings faster than the weather change from sunny to dark sky.

Update on max

For an active boy like Max, to have chicken pox and having to stay at home is like keeping a wild bird in a cage.

He has been obedient, understanding that he can't go out. But I think he is going a little crazy.

Yesterday, went to Chinese medical hall, bought him a kind of powder that will help it to dry up faster. Then for his face, I used my facial cream which has vitamin c to apply for him, it seems to be healing faster.

iPhone 4S

Finally, after 4 days of waiting, and to think that i was the 1st one to order, I got my iPhone 4s.

It was fun to play with Siri. Actually I kind of like siri's composure. When u scold her stupid, she said, am I?

Mmm if only I can have siri's composure.

a house along Great Ocean Road

This is a house along Great Ocean Road, if this is my house, i'll not go to work.

Snippets of life

Max said I looked cute when he saw me last night.

This morning, When I looked at myself in the mirror, I got a shock. Couldn't recognize the person in the mirror, then realised it's me. Takes some time to get use to.

Finding peace, finding meaning of life

With my ear piece, listening to songs on iPhone, ordered breakfast, eaten my bf, just sitting down here. In the midst of the morning peak hours, people rushing to work, walking hurriedly to catch their train, I tried to find peace.

What an uncanny way to find peace. Peace is an elusive commodity. I look at the people who walked past, do they find their peace? Are they at peace? Why is peace elusive? What is peace? We can do many things on the surface, laugh, joke, but do we have the peace in our heart? Been sighing often these few days. Peace has eluded me these few days. Been tired, feels heavy hearted.

I know, a person does not find peace as long as there are unsettled issues. But if u want to find true peace, be like a deity, meditate and leave the material world behind, probably you will find true peace. But as for now, I would like to find some peace amidst this hectic pace of life.

New look

Slightly different look. People, dun say I didn't warn you.

Still tired

Feeling very tired, handling some neglected issues at home and many more other issues to settle. Why do holidays give people this kind of mood? The mood to get into a mischief and then have to control damage.

wish I can continue to sleep and not wake up. Wish I'm like sleeping beauty, only to be awoken by the kiss of my true love.

Damage control

Doing lots of damage control today.

Then who come and control my damages? Still got to smile at colleagues at training.

三字经

养不教， 父之过, 教不严，师之惰。

这句话，你听过吗？
我不会教孩子吗？ 我是个失败者吗？

eating disorder

Do I have an eating disorder? once i smell food being fried, i feel full, disgusted. I feel like digging out the food in my stomach. It's only when i smell food being fried, that i have such a strong repulsive feeling.

Marcus report book

Taking a closet look at Marcus report book, actually hor, he improved! English from 69 to 72, Chinese from 32 to 42, maths is the only one that fail, 58 to 50 (after adding mid year, his
Overall pass) , science improve from 61.5 to 63.

Overall percentage, 55.3 to 56.8
Level position from 87 to 78.

It wasn't as bad as I expected.

But still, he has lots of room for improvement as he is capable of achieving better results.

Why do I sound like I'm writing form teacher remarks?

for memory sake

recalling the places my dad used to bring us:

yes, morning bf at sheraton hotel, how cool can that be, with that fountain flowing. i think the reason why we had breakfast there was because we had church at hotel asia which was next door.

kenny rogers, it was my dad who brought us there for food, suntec city's outlet.

tony rama at orchard hotel. it was my first time and no, no other guys has brought me there, only dad.

jacks' place, particularly remember the one at killiney road, think it's no longer there anymore.

foul mood

ever get the feeling of a foul mood for the day? not freakingly foul, but just foul. U get angry over the slightest thing like dropping a piece of paper etc.

why am i in a foul mood then? I dunno. Maybe i'm angry with being fat (so repulsive), angry with stupid middle finger (dunno when it will gain back its utility), maybe i'm still angry with marcus after seeing his exam papers last night, maybe i'm angry to do the things that i do not want to do but yet i've to do it out of no choice.

maybe i'm angry with nothing at all, it will pass.

of mabel

Mabel is in China now. last night, max told me that he misses mabel as marcus don't really like to play with him.

Happy that Mabel get selected to go to China with the school.

Though Mabel is not among the top 15% in her level, (15% of 160 plus students is level position 21 and above) i think she has level position 24. But overall, I'm happy that she has made improvements in her Maths especially in the areas of problem sums.

She wants to do 4 standard subjects and 1 higher chinese next year.

meet Max's teachers

realized that when you have th inspiration, you must blog, otherwise you will forget what you intended to blog.

anyway, yesterday went to meet max's teachers. Good and positive comments from teachers. That is good. The Chinese teacher really don't know what she can tell me except that Max is one of the better students in class.

generally, Max is obedient in school, takes his work seriously, helps other students, learns things fast. He only have to improve on his handwriting, still mixing up small and big letters.

happy for him

thoughts

that night, looking at dad, lying on the hospital, looking at how auntie looks after him, she massaged his legs, gave him water, i just feel that somehow, my dad is blessed. at least he has his the other half to look after him. i mean this is the other half whom he left his family to be with.

don't misunderstand, i'm not angry, upset or complaining here. ok, two thoughts here:

1) i kind of like pity my mum. now that she is all alone when her children are all grown up. but i guess, it was her choice. i mean as much as i'm a loner, i would be afraid if i'm all alone when i'm old. so i can understand her fears.

2) but then again, for the sake of having a company when u grow old, if it's just another half that you can live with, would you be happy and feel blessed? well, my dad chose to be with auntie in the earlier years, started life anew with her, does he feel blessed?

are you happy and truly blessed? 同一句话，你快乐吗？你幸福吗？

heart pain

yesterday, when i went to the hospital to see my dad, it pains me to see a healthy person being operated. it must be painful for him to go through such a major operation.

then his sisters and brothers and in law, all came to see him, it was like a mini CNY gathering. Hence, it was a long time since i saw these aunties and uncles, so it was kind of catching up with them too.

Failure

Feels like shouting out loud now. As a mum to my children, I failed. As a daughter, (in law too), I also fail. At work, I also fail. What have I achieved? Worthless. Might as well die,y absence won't be noticed.

I don't know how to teaching own children anymore.

Sad, disappointed

Came home early today. Thought want to bring Marcus to ikea for lunch as he has been browsing through the catalog recently. When he reached home, he told me his exam results. The most disappointing was maths. 44/100.

I was so disappointed, so so so disappointed. All the work, screaming, doing of assessment, sigh. Makes me wonder if I should continue with what I do next year, no results.

Failure. I failed as a mum